Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

My iPod has excellent taste. I have a huge, random playlist and as I clicked it on this morning up came the Theme from Shaft. The sun was shining and I felt like such a bad arse as I crossed the road and got onto the bus to take me into town. I had an appointment this morning but I figured there was just enough time to go into H&M and buy some new shreddies on the way.

I loathe shopping. Some of the saddest people I have ever seen are men who are being dragged around mall after mall on a Saturday afternoon by wives who don’t know really what they are looking for. Perhaps they are just afraid they’ll miss something.

I do my shopping at 10.00am on Wednesday mornings when the shops have just opened and there is no-one else there. I know exactly what I want and can usually get it over with in a matter of minutes.

Except when the twats rearrange the shop. This morning I headed straight to the corner where the shreddies an socks are kept only to discover a wall full of hats and ties.

Shops do this shit a lot. It happens in the supermarket with alarming regularity I suppose they think we’ll wander around looking for stuff and see other things so we’ll buy that as well. I turned and fled. Fuck ‘em, if they’re going to waste my time with shitty hide and seek games I’ll shop elsewhere.

That didn’t really say hydrochloric acid I thought as I zipped by the new Okomoto adverts on the Hong Kong MTR. What would anyone be doing filling up a condom with acid? Never-the-less it became fixed in my mind and every time I passed one of the ads I forgot to slow down and read it properly.

Then one day staring at a packet in the supermarket queue so I picked it up to have a read. Hyaluronic Acid it boasted, I didn’t know what the fuck that was so I Googled it. Wikipedia says it’s: an anionic, non-sulfated glycosaminoglycan distributed widely throughout connective, epithelial, and neural tissues. I was no nearer. I did glean that it had medical and cosmetic applications so the next time I was out I picked up a packet of three.

Okomoto make great condoms … if you are Japanese. The latex is about as thin as latex can get and they feel great but the elastic at the top is just too tight to get over your todger comfortably so I had my doubts. I took them to a girl who I knew was skilled in the delicate task of putting condoms onto clients.

Good, she said, when she saw the box. Rather than trying to unroll the condom over the glans in the conventional manner she pulled the elastic outwards and over the entire bell-end before unrolling it along the shaft. It went on surprisingly easy. The acid is actually a lubricant and felt about as warm and natural as you can get with a condom on. A winner.

The second girl was from mainland China. Probably a student who came over on a four week visa to get some cash together and go shopping. I had to show her the trick of stretching the opening out to get it over the glans but after that it was great.

The last one I put onto myself just for the practice.

The verdict: Pretty damn good, I shall keep a couple of boxes in my travelling bag.

See also: Condom vs Condom

There is a new form of male contraceptive. It’s called RISUG (Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance) and it’s been in advanced clinical trials in India for some time with some of the participants having used it for as long as 15 years.

It’s a bit like a vasectomy but instead of cutting the vans deferens they simply coat the inside of it with a gel that kills the sperm as they go by. The big difference is that the procedure is reversible.

The doctor pokes a tiny hole in your nut-sack whips out the vans deferens and injects the gel then stuffs it back in again. Once for each side and presto, your done. You don’t even need any stitches. The whole process takes about 15 minutes and you can walk away.

The gel is effective immediately but you do need to allow about three days to flush yourself out completely.

In 2010, a small foundation that grew out of the Male Contraception Information Project purchased the rights to begin studying and developing RISUG for the rest of the world. Its new name is Vasalgel and they aim to have it on the market as early as 2015.

Read also: Male Contraception Information Project

I’ve got nothing to do with the story but you can’t see my pussy until you click the pic

(I found this delightful story on Reddit, there was no link to the original I believe it was translated from a Spanish newspaper)

Madrid’s largest trade association for luxury escorts yesterday announced the beginning of a total and indefinite strike on sexual services for bank employees until they go back to providing credit to Spanish families, SMEs and companies.

The idea for this strike arose from the experience of Lucia C.P., one of the association’s members, who during the press conference excitedly recounted how one of her regular clients had told her that for months his sole undertaking had been to borrow hundreds of millions of euros from the ECB’s liquidity window at 1% and immediately invest this money in European government debt and highly specialized products like credit default swaps (CDS) and commodity hedge funds with returns of between 3 and 7%, pocketing the difference. “Then one day I got fed up and said to him, ‘Enough is enough, no? You can forget about my pussy until you fulfill your responsibility to society.’

At first my client grumbled and threatened to raise my maintenance and transfer fees, but in the end he backed down and three days later he came back with a notarial certificate of having granted a line of credit to an SME and a loan for the purchase of a Citroën van to a freelancer. This is how I realized that we could help get the credit flowing again.”

The banking confederation has formally requested the establishment of minimum services and government mediation to resolve the conflict as soon as possible. But the Ministry of Economic Affairs and Competitiveness headed by Luis de Guindos acknowledged that the lack of legislation regulating the sector makes it very difficult for the government to intercede in the conflict. “In fact, there has not even been a formal communication of the strike—the escorts are making use of their right of admission to deny entry to, well, you know. So no one can negotiate.”

Ana M.G., the trade association’s spokeswoman, pointed out that all previous attempts by the government, the FROB and the Bank of Spain to get the banking sector to return to financing the real economy have failed. “We are the only ones with a real ability to pressure the sector,” said the spokeswoman. “We have been on strike for three days now and we don’t think they can withstand much more. In fact, there have already been pitiful attempts to use our services by posing as engineers or architects, but they don’t fool anyone since it has been many years since these professionals could afford rates that start from 300 euros an hour,” she continued.