Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

Get your cum leaping over Kohru’s box

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A daily fuck is like taking your sperm to the gym… although the report on Reuters didn’t quite phrase it that way.

Apparently a study of 118 men by Dr David Greening of Sydney IVF, an Australian centre for infertility and in vitro fertilisation treatment, found that the quality of their cum increased after they were told to ejaculate everyday for seven days.

Their DNA fragmentation index, a measure of sperm damage, fell from 34% to 26% percent, Greening told the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology in Amsterdam.

He said that while frequent sex does reduce the volume of sperm this is not a problem and that couples wanting to get pregnant should start daily shagging a week before the ovulation date.

Greening said it was probable that frequent ejaculation improved the quality of sperm by reducing the time they were exposed to potentially damaging molecules called reactive oxygen species in the testicular ducts.

Personally I think everyone should fuck everyday anyway. It’s a great workout all round and it make everyone feel good.

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Most guys like myself prefer to hire a maid to do their washing, or they will take it to the 24-hour place and pick it up the following day. Me, I enjoy going down to the coin-operated laundry in my apartment complex. I choose my times because there are some hot young wives who also do their laundry in the daytime while hubby is at the office. I try to coincidentally coincide.

To them I’m something of a novelty, perhaps they think I’m a little bit weird, but I am always polite and never forward. I may say “good morning” but I never try to start a conversation. After all they are respectable married women. I just sit and watch the tumble dryer tumbling and read my newspaper.

The other morning I saw a delightful black g-string with pink trim tumble from one lady’s dryer. There was no-one else there and she had obviously completely forgotten that I was. She picked them up and held them up high to the light, she admired them from both sides. So did I. Then she pressed them to her cheek to make sure that they were properly dry. It was then she remembered, glanced over and caught me watching her over the top of the newspaper. She blushed deeply … so did I.

She probably never wants to see me again, ever. But I shall be there again next week … just in case.

See also: Anything to Declare
See also: Three is not a crowd

Lynette Wong; because she’s hotter than Bruce Lee

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I went back to Kowloon Tong for the first time in ages. It’s a surprisingly low rise area in the craggy shadow of Lion Rock. There is a sleepy residential area just to the west of Waterloo Road where Hong Kong’s most famous film star, Bruce Lee, used to live.

These days, though there are still a few residences, most of the well appointed buildings have been converted to kindergartens or love hotels. Bruce Lee’s old house, 41 Cumberland Road, is the latter - discretely named Ross Hotel.

I had stayed here numerous times in the past. I was having an affair with a married woman. Her husband was away on business half the time and while she didn’t really care what the neighbours thought she did enjoy the conspiratorial thrill of sneaking away for a clandestine fuck. The leafy avenues of Kowloon Tong, with names such as Rutland Quadrant, were the perfect backdrop.

We both knew the history of the house even then but since neither of us were movie buffs we didn’t give it much more thought.

41, Cumberland Road

This was all some years ago but I do get gentle reminders of her occasionally. There has been talk for some time about turning the building into a Bruce Lee museum, cinema and martial arts complex. The current owner, billionaire Yu Panglin, has agreed to foot the bill providing the government re-write the planning regulations to protect the site. It’s an offer that has been welcomed by Lee’s family and fans alike.

Apart from a rather cheesy statue on the Tsim Sha Tsui waterfront Hong Kong has nothing to commemorate the man who single handedly dragged Hong Kong cinema onto the international screen. But so far the government has remained tight-lipped.

Kowloon Tong is one of the few low rise areas left in Hong Kong. It was built that way for the sole reason that is was directly under the flight path of aircraft making the famously tricky final approach to the old Kai Tak International Airport.

Kowloon Tong. The old runway is visible in the top left corner

Kai Tak has bee closed for some years and building height restrictions are a thing of the past. But as you look down on the area from ‘the rock’ the first thing that springs to mind is the same thing that would spring into the mind of any self respecting financial secretary or property developer.

It was still the same Sikh doorman that had worked there years ago. He was the soul of discretion until I shook his hand and bellowed “long time no see!”

“Is this really Bruce Lee’s old house?” enquired my guest, a Chinese-American lady who was in Hong Kong visiting friends. They had mistakenly thought I would be a safe person to leave her with while they went to work. The doorman beamed and nodded. “This is sooooo cooool” she said as we climbed the stairs.

See also: Mongkok
See also: Wanchai

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I first encountered Yadong some years ago in Bangkok since then I’ve been very careful to avoid it. But the other evening I met a compatriot of mine who was tucking into a bottle with all the enthusiasm of someone who has never tried it before. The bottle didn’t say Yadong, it had the label of a well known energy drink. Not a big bottle but big enough.

He offered me a shot. I asked the barman, a man who I’ve known for sometime, what he thought was in it. “Lao kao and some Chinese herbs and medicine.” he replied.

“It’s got snakes and scorpions and bat’s dick!” Interjected the girl who was working alongside him.

“No it hasn’t,” he laughed, “they only say that to farang (foreigners)”

“You don’t know for sure.” she insisted. It was true he didn’t.

Lao kao is a locally and probably illegally made rice whiskey. Commercial variants would include Mekhong and Sang Som but what the locals call lao kao is produced at village level.

It starts off as a milky white rice wine called satoh. This is cheap and plentiful around the villages of north-east of Thailand. It’s also very easy to make. Cooked rice is mixed with a mold called pang satoh and left to ferment in an urn called a hai. The finished brew is sweet and pleasant tasting. Traditionally the family would drink directly from the hai by means of a bamboo straw.

Lao kao is distilled satoh. It doesn’t taste so good to an untrained palette. Thais get around this by mixing it with flagons of Coke or soda.

Another alternative is Yadong. This involves dunking a cheesecloth containing additional ingredients into it and leaving it to soak for a few days. The result is not just another liqueur it is medicine! Yadong is frequently billed as possessing rare magical properties that can deal with almost any distemper you happen to be afflicted with.

What those additional ingredients might include no one seemed to know. A tour pharmacies around Bangkok’s Chinatown revealed only that there are probably as many recipes as there are problems in the world. They are all trade secrets but if you drink enough of it your problems will magically disappear. For a while at least.

Yadong is served in a shot glass and a popular accompaniment is sour green mango slices dipped in a mix of sugar and dried chilli. The mango is really quite good.

As for snakes and scorpions and bat’s dicks, well, why not?. Just down the road from the bar a stall was selling deep fried grasshoppers, maggots and beetles. In parts of Cambodia tarantula is a delicacy. The Chinese believe that the blood and gall bladder of snakes, preferably cobra, is a powerful aphrodisiac. I saw this up close in Taipei’s notorious snake alley before it was cleaned up (I think the adjacent red light district is still there).

I accepted the shot. It tastes good but I refuse the second. “Go on,” he says “this stuff costs next to nothing.” Aye, I think, say that in the morning when you are suffering the mother of all hangovers.

See also: Bar snacks in Bangkok

Sabrina would like to fall on your pork sword

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A traveller from Mexico checked into a Wanchai hotel bringing with him Hong Kong’s first case of Swine Flu according to last nights evening news. With memories of the 2003 SARS epidemic still fresh the authorities sealed in all 300 guests and Chief Executive Donald Tsang urged everyone to stay calm.

So this morning surgical masks were de rigueur, hastily dragged out of a six-year sojourn in the moth balls. One fetching young lass at the shop where I have breakfast had slipped hers under her chin so she could chopstick some noodles into her mouth.

I can’t imagine it will affect business in The Wanch much, not until people start dying from it at least. But when they do I shall be ready to ramp up production of my leather and lace surgical masks.

See also: Wanchai