Seymour Totti’s Foreign Policy

My Zeb is bigger than your Zeb. Click it to lick it.

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Akbar Zeb is a high flying diplomat from Pakistan. He has served as the country’s High Commissioner to Canada and as their ambassador to South Africa. But he has been rejected for diplomatic positions the United Arab Emirates, Bahrain and, most recenlty, Saudi Arabia.

The reason for this is because Akbar Zeb, in a splendid case of life imitates Monty Python, translates as ‘Biggest Dick’ in Arabic. Now you can’t have him swanning around in diplomatic circles, introducing himself as Biggest Dick to people who probably consider themselves to be substantially bigger dicks than he is. Whatever would the serfs think.

Watch that: classic Monty Python clip

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I was wandering around the Bangla Road area in Patong. Stopping for a beer every now and then observing the scenery. Soi Sea Dragon still seemed fairly quiet, except that when I turned into it the first girl that I passed reached out and pinched my bum.

I’d never had my bum pinched in Thailand before so it took me by a bit of a surprise. But lo and behold, before I had gone but a few more paces, it happened again. It’s not an entirely unpleasant feeling but I have to confess I did discretely check my pockets. Nothing amiss. The only thing unusual was yet another tweak at the old buttock. So I decided to stop for a beer.

What was going on I asked, why was I getting my bum pinched so often in Soi Sea Dragon when it never gets piched anywhere else? They smiled and gave me my beer but they didn’t say anything. I think it must be a Soi Sea Dragon thing because it didn’t happen anywhere else. I haven’t been back there to see if it happens again.

It comes up in pub conversation sometimes that, because Asian girls are famous for their tight pussies, is there any one nationality tighter than the rest? Of course there is no answer to that but it is usually the prelude you a round of tales, from the assembled company, about particularly nice ones we’ve known recently with regard to tightness.

I always end up talking about girls from mainland China. Not because I think they are particularly tighter than anywhere else but because they think western men are significantly bigger. Especially the part-time girls who come down to Hong Kong on short stay visa to top up their bank accounts.

These girls usually have no experience of western men other than what they’ve heard about. And that is that we all have huge cocks. So when you knock on their doors expecting admission they can react in one of two ways.

One is that they get a bit scared and worry that you are going to hurt them. I always give them plenty of opportunity to back out if they want to. It’s really no fun trying to have sex with a girl who is so worried about getting hurt she slops on so much lube that it gets inside the condom and the damn thing comes off.

The other type get really excited about having the opportunity to try out one our mythical members. One girl was so pleased that after the shower she called her two colleagues over to admire the appendage and give it a squeeze. I felt like a piece of meat. It was great.

See also: How tight is you pussy
See also: Rare China Pussy

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Hooray for mobile phone porn! Though I must admit I’ve never used a mobile phone for looking at porn, the screen just isn’t big enough. The only time I would conceivably use it is on an airplane. But I just don’t recall the last time I was on a flight long enough to necessitate skulking off to the toilet with a Blackberry for a swift right-hander.

But I do take my hat off to all the wonderful people that produce it and the technology that permits it. I’ve had a soft spot for totally amateur porn ever since the days I used to search (in vain) for pictures of Charlie Paget’s mum in the Readers Wives section of Fiesta magazine.

With the launch of the iPad we now have a mobile device that offers the privacy of a phone with a screen size that would do justice to Charlie’s mother … or any other kind of porn for that matter. Though Apple seems keen to boast it’s features as an e-reader and communication device the fact that you can download up to 64 gigs of porn into it and schlepp off to the potting shed leaving the computer to the kids and the Mrs to American Idol is what will make it a winner.

I foresee a day when you’ll be able to buy iPads, or clones thereof, already pre-loaded with pics and movies and branded with a future generation’s equivalent of Fiesta or Razzle.

In the meantime, if you do find those pics of Charlie Paget’s mum, forward ‘em to me would ya.

See also: Readers Wives